What Lawyers Don't Want You To Know About Divorce by: Ed Sherman

The worst thing you can do is go to a lawyer without first becoming informed and prepared. It is not difficult to learn what you need to know, but very dangerous not to. Here's why:

1. In a divorce, the law is concerned with only three things—property, support, and parenting arrangements for minor children. That's it; that's all. If there is no legal opposition (papers filed in court) to your requests on these three subjects, getting a divorce is simply a matter of red-tape and paperwork, easy to do. The trouble comes when parties can't agree about these issues and do things that do more harm than good - like taking the divorce into a lawyer's office and into court while the disagreements are still unresolved.

2. Very few divorces hinge on valid legal issues. Over many decades, after millions of California divorces, almost every conceivable issue has already been decided in great detail and can be looked up in our enormous body of cases and statutes. This means there is only rarely a fact situation where we don't know ahead of time pretty much what any judge would order, so there's really no good legal reason for people to disagree, at least none worth the financial and emotional cost. The reason people argue is not about the law but about emotional things like hurt, fear and anger. Even more, it is because arguing is the fundamental nature of law practice and the legal system.

3. There are no solutions for divorce problems in a law office or court room. Divorce problems are almost entirely personal and emotional, but the law has no tools that can help. None. Not any. As to lawyers, nothing in law school prepares them to help people resolve disagreements based on emotional upset.

4. Retaining a lawyer almost always makes things worse rather than better. Worse than merely having no solutions for your divorce problems, our legal system - known as the adversarial system of justice - is based on conflict. It originated with trial by combat in the Middle Ages when people with a disagreement would battle before a representative of the King and the person who survived was right. A hair more civilized today, parties do legal battle in a courtroom before a judge and try to win a decision. When you take a divorce into the legal system to "settle" disagreements, things invariably get worse (no solutions there, remember?) and the level of conflict and cost go way up. Even when it's over, the parties come away broke, unhappy, disinclined to comply with orders that have been imposed, and less able to get on with rebuilding their lives or raise children cooperatively.

5. The things you can do yourself are far superior to anything a lawyer can do for you. The lawyer has no legal tools or training that can help you settle disagreements and get on with your life. But because the problems are entirely personal, between you and your spouse, there are many very specific things you can do to help reduce tension, avoid conflict, and negotiate or mediate a fair settlement. In the book, How to Solve Divorce Problems, you'll find ten specific steps to take before you start to negotiate, actions that help protect yourself, the children and the other party. These are followed by ten steps to take that will make your negotiations smoother and more effective.

About The Author

Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit http://www.nolotech.com/

Ten Ways To Help Children Through Divorce by: Ed Sherman

Going through a divorce is no fun for anyone, but children are especially vulnerable. Divorce specialist attorney Ed Sherman reveals in his book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better, the following 10 things you can do to make a big difference in how well your children survive.

1. Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.

2. Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.

3. Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent's love for a child is a special kind that never stops.

4. Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with him or her. Build the best relationship you can. The future is built of many tiny moments.

5. Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.

6. Divorcing parents often feel guilty and become overindulgent. Give your child love, but also give limits.

7. Your child is still a child and can't become the man of the house or a little mother. Continue to be the parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your own need for companionship.

8. Avoid situations that place a child in the impossible position of choosing between parents: * Don't use your child as a way to get back at your spouse. Children can be terribly wounded this way. * Don't say bad things about the other parent in hearing of a child. * Don't say or do anything that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent. * Don't encourage a child to take sides.

9. You and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children for life. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.

10. Be patient and understanding with your children. Be patient and understanding with yourself. Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing, cooperating with your spouse during your divorce is one of the best things you can do for your children. They learn that conflicts can be resolved eventually, which is a valuable lesson.

About The Author

Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit http://www.nolotech.com/

MANY BLESSINGS

I truly believe that part of my job is to be a good listener. I realize that Legal Document Assistants are prohibited from the giving of legal advice or strategies, or opinions, but I don't think that establishing a friendship with a client oversteps those boundaries. Of course, you cannot disguise legal advice as "friendship" advice so one must discern the difference and be aware.

For a long time, I kept my clients at arm's length, cutting off their "stories." I could not listen to their "factual and legal analysis" because it would be difficult for me to not form or state my opinion. It felt cold and impersonal and I was uncomfortable always having to be watchful of where a conversation was heading and always on the defensive. Eventually, as my confidence increased, so did my ability to listen without making comments that might be perceived as legal advice. Now I chat away with my clients, becoming familiar with their stories and their way of being. I am a form preparer and a friend.

Post-lawsuit relationships are not always amicable. However, no matter the end result, my clients and I continue our relationships on a more personal level. I am already privy to much of their personal information and they of course, have heard enough from me while we commiserated over life's trials and tribulations. It is just natural that we continue to communicate.

Many of my clients become part of my circle of friends even though the only thing we have in common is what might be a horrible court case. I have clients in every age group (from 8 to 80)and many are individuals with whom I might have never enjoyed a good meal or conversation if they had not come to me to prepare forms.

There is so much more to life to be experienced than the same day-in-day-out. We often allow ourselves to get into a rut and forget just how limiting that can be. My work enriches me. It opens my mind up to new people, new concepts, and experiences. I am blessed with many friends and a wonderful life.

Growing old "gracefully"

Now that I have suffered adulthood for a good thirty years, I am comfortable knowing that "I am what I am." I no longer concern myself with what “everyone” might think and I am far better off in this, my "older" age than during my youth, a youth pretty much comprised of my always trying to outdistance the other runner, to better the best.

Do not think that I am now complacent, quite the contrary. I am one who pushes forward in a constant motion, always searching for the satisfaction of a job well done. I am also an advocate for the underdog. I despise injustice and unfairness and will work to move mountains to right a wrong if I feel it is the thing to do. While this does not always bring me the goodwill of others, it is truly a saving grace.